Does this spell an inadequecy of me ?

It sounds like you have had a difficult past. I wouldn't label this as personal inadequacy or weakness. Some of these symptoms sound like PTSD, but I suspect there is something else going on here, too. Depending on the specific acts you are performing, you might potentially have intermittent explosive disorder. But proper diagnosis can only be made by a trained professional who is personally interviewing you, so I'd talk to someone about it.